One Step Ahead

As we near the middle of March, and the winds are gusting to 45 mph, I continue to stay one step ahead of depression. I say one step ahead because so far I haven't totally stopped functioning or taken permanently to my bed. There is the feeling, however, that if I took one misstep, I'd be over the edge of the cliff trying to crawl out of the pit.

Last night I went to bed at 7:30 and slept 12 hours. That is where I feel the most safe when my life comes to this point. There is no place like my bed snuggled under three blankets with the knowledge that all is well here. Today I have managed to get a few things done around the house; some moments I sit and stare ahead unable to get up and do the other chores that beckon me. There is also the feeling that I could begin weeping at any moment, but it never comes.

So maybe I'll just head for that safe place again and charge my inner strength so I am able to once again face what life has in store for me today.

Thought for the day: Keep breathing.......Sophie Tucker

The Sting of Winter

Snow is again falling on this bleak March morning. My soul is crying out and asking, will it ever end? I feel like a black hole opened up in December, and I have been trying to crawl out ever since. I find myself longing for the day when I can again sit on my front porch, feel the fresh breezes and hear the birds chirping. I'm wondering if the perennials will ever again burst forth from the now frozen ground. My hands want to grab clumps of dirt, and my feet are missing their connection to the earth.

Even though my rational mind tells me that in just a few short weeks, all this will come to pass, my soul doesn't believe it. It's like being in the throes of depression where rationality goes out the window.

The days are getting longer, and a couple of weeks from now we will again turn our clocks ahead, and we will begin to see glimmers of the hope of springtime. The question remains: will my rational mind impel me to savor every spring moment? Or will the routine of life again take over and cause me to miss what I am so longing for today? Time will tell.

Thought for the day: If we are not truly ourselves, truly in the present moment, we miss everything. Thich Naht Hahn

With New Eyes

An old photo album from my mother's side of the family occupied a spot on the shelf of my parents' home for as long as I can remember. It now has a home on my bookshelf. I have looked at that album numerous times throughout the years, but this week when I looked at the photos, it was as if I had new eyes.

The people seemed to come to life again, and I saw details that have always been there but previously escaped my attention. For the first time I noticed what they were wearing, saw the backgrounds, looked intently at faces and into their eyes. The looks on their faces seemed to indicate they felt those moments would last forever, but now almost 100 years have passed since those photos were taken. This made me realize that the photos we take today most likely hold the same look and just as these people are now long gone, so we will be someday. Yet we often live our days as if we believe our time will not come to an end. It's an odd human trait.

It also occurred to me that even though most of these photos were most likely taken between 1920 to 1950, they were very clear. Another amazing revelation was that these were poor rural folks and yet had access to a camera and the means to develop photographs. I also lamented the fact that I hadn't asked my mother more about the names and circumstances, and now it's too late.

My intention is to make scrapbooks of all these old photos so they can be enjoyed for years to come, and these people will not be forgotten.

Thought for the day: We do not remember days, we remember moments.....Cesare Pavese

Spa Day

My yoga teacher, Wanda, has been taking some massage classes. She mentioned that she needed to "practice" so a few of us willingly signed up. Then we decided it would be even more fun to have other events going on while people cycled through their massages. So this morning at my house we had an informal spa day.

My friends Sue and Pam did facials and mini pedicures while I did foot massages. We started at 9:00 a.m. and ended about 1:00 p.m. Of course, we had rolls, muffins, fruit, wassail, tea, coffee, etc. It made us all feel truly alive and refreshed; what a wonderful way to spend a winter day.

Thought for the day: May you live all the days of your life..Jonathan Swift

Memories of my mom

Today I am especially remembering my mom because it was 13 years ago that she left us. Some times it seems like yesterday and other times like forever since I last saw her. She was healthy and functioning up until the day she got ill so there really wasn't much time for understanding that our time together was done.

My mom was always a hard worker who believed in doing things right. She was generally quiet and went about her business without much ado. When her first marriage ended in the 1950s, and she came back home with three children, I can't even imagine how difficult that must have been for her. She cared about what others thought so to face the stigma of divorce at at time when that was rare must have been horrific for her. However, she stuck to it and got a good job and took care of her children. She ultimately remarried (which is how I came about), continued her job for 25 years before retiring and thoroughly enjoyed her new home and farm life. The influence she had on my children can't be described, and I am so thankful for that.

It wasn't until after she was gone that I realized what a simple person she was and just how much she did for all of us. Often on Sundays I can almost smell the roast beef dinner and just feel what it was to spend an afternoon at home. Sure wish I would have helped more and given her more hugs.

Here's to the memory of a wonderful lady.

Thought for the day: To live in hearts we leave behind

Is not to die......Thomas Campbell

I've Been Thinking

I do quite a bit of thinking which can be dangerous. However, I spent the weekend in Brainerd and got to hold my 4 month old granddaughter a whole lot (which makes me very happy). As I was looking at her and pondering what her daily life entails, the words of Jesus came to me: Unless you become like a little child, you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven; The kingdom of heaven is within you.

So I was thinking that just maybe he meant that unless we retain our innocence and sense of wonder and awe at just about every thing, we cannot attain heaven. And maybe he meant that unless we live deliberately (as much as possible as adults), we cannot reach heaven. Imagine if instead of rapidly walking through the yard, we stopped to look at each grass blade, or instead of hurrying by each tree, we stopped to feel the bark and touch the leaves. What if we ate when hungry and slept when tired. I know this is my most spiritual type of day; the kind where it just unfolds. What if we stopped rushing to and fro trying to get as much done as possible and tried to just be.

I do believe that we can achieve heaven on earth if we just take the time to be in awe.

Thought for the day: Earth's crammed with heaven, and every common bush afire with God; and only he who sees takes off his shoes; the rest sit round it and pluck blackberries. Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Lefse

Lefse is a traditional Norwegian flat bread. Although I am of Swedish descent, lefse definitely has a place in my Christmas time memories. Our family normally eats it with butter and brown sugar. Norwegians have been known to use it as a wrap for lutefisk.

My friend, Sue, bought a lefse iron and all the necessary accessories so the past couple years we have had a lefse making day. It's quite an art, and it takes awhile to get in the rhythm of it. There is a connection to past generations of women who gathered together to bake and find support in each other.

The dough is made from potatoes, milk and flour. It is then chilled and rolled out very thin using a cloth covered rolling pin. There are long sticks that are used to transfer the thin creation.

Yesterday was our annual lefse day so Sue, Tudy and myself spent a couple hours taking turns rolling and grilling. We drank tea and listened to Handel's Messiah and ended our time together with potato soup and cornbread.

Thought for the day: Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow, ripening fruit. Aristotle